War on the N64

The N64 is the place for absurdly popular games. My favorite is, by far, Mario Golf 64, which consistently plays second fiddle to Mario Kart 64, Mario Party 1, and Paper Mario 1 in every "Top Blank Hundred Best Games Ever" list. First of all, it is just plain wrong to make lists that tell people that games other people like are better than games they like. And these lists are very predictable, resulting in one of four games topping the list every time. What is the point of keeping people in suspense and trying to surprise them if they already know that Super Mario Brothers 1 or The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time is going to win? The answer is: the lists were made by Zelda fans, for Zelda fans to give even more praise to what is already the most overrated game ever. Zelda fans are trying to manipulate people into thinking that Final Fantasy fans are annoying, when really, Zelda fans are far worse. And if you make a list that tells people that their favorite game is not as good as other people's favorite games, you are insulting them. This is true!

I never understood the hype for Mario Kart 64. That game wasted a big part of my childhood. It was the first game I ever knew how to play. Sure, it has 16 courses, fast gameplay, and impeccable controls. But the programming completely ruined it. The AI and items were horribly unbalanced. On 50 and 100 CC, the computers were pathetic. You would get in first place every time unless you were horrible. On 150 CC, your computer opponents would hardly make any attempt to avoid items and obstacles, but you could never get a big lead on them. But do not worry, if you get 5th place or lower, you can try again for an infinite amount of times. No other Mario Kart game does that. The items are either near useless or grossly overpowered. Good driving is not rewarded, but punished. Being in the lead means you are the target for Spiny Shells and Red Shells. Battle mode is even worse- the racing part is fully removed, which means hitting each other with items is the only thing left. This could have been good, but you can sit on an item cube that gives you an endless supply of invincibility and weapons, as well as ambush people when Lakitu slowly places them down before they have a chance to accelerate. In Wario Stadium, you can get an easy lead if you use a thunder bolt on someone who is about to cross the big jump at the end. That is not a good strategy, that is cheapness! You can also save a ghost in time trial (two maximum, if your controller has a built-in memory pack) if you finish all three laps without hitting an obstacle, falling off the course, or even pausing. If you want to play Mario Kart, I suggest you go for the SNES, Gamecube, or DS ones.

Mario Party 1 is the start to one of those series' where many think the formula is flawless, and some think the series is milking a dead horse and wants it to not have new games anymore. If you are one of the latter group, you obviously do not like that particular series. Mario Party 1 is the beginning showcase of the truly over competitive nature of the cute-looking Mario Party series. Bad things happen to the losers, and the winners are glorified, being labeled as heroes and superstars if they can pummel their opponents in a mini game. This game feels like a compilation of rejected Mario Party ideas, and you can obviously tell because there are boards where the star is always in the same place and mini games that do not fit their category. Along with spinning the control stick, which everybody hates but many overlook in their reviews, there are mini games where players can just pummel the money out of their opponents, the best result for certain players being no money transferred because they cannot gain anything from those particular mini games. Fortunately, there are only two of these. Instead of giving the winners ten coins, they get the losers' coins. Stick with Mario Party 2 and 3.

Paper Mario 1 is a beginners RPG. It had unusual and interesting gameplay mechanics that were much-needed for RPGs, but that hardly matters because the game is so easy, "beginners RPG" does not even fit the description. The game gives you non-threatening enemies and loads you with items so much, you will be throwing out more items than you use. The game did not make any attempt to prevent me from abusing Toad Houses and Heart Blocks all the time. There are also bosses that become harmless when you use a certain ability (One of the bosses even does that to himself!). Just like The Legend of Zelda series, the game often fails at creating good puzzles because it just was not meant for them. The music is good, and so are the graphics and debugging. But it is sad-funny when fans of Mario RPGs pretend bosses are hard just because they are in games they like. The Gamecube sequel is a lot more highly recommended, because you have to pay to use Toad Houses and Heart Blocks. (meager amounts, but you still have to pay). The major reasons I recommend the sequel more are the superguard and the Pit of 100 Trials, the "beginners challenging optional dungeon", which does have actual difficulty and just fights rather than artificial lengthening in the form of story progression (which the sequel does have too). Hopefully, Paper Mario 3 will be difficult in the main story.

At first it does not sound like it, but Mario Golf 64 is awesome! The Mario Golf series, in my opinion, deserves all of the attention being stolen by The Legend of Zelda. It has easy-to-learn gameplay, complemented with a challenging variety of modes. If you cannot get anywhere in this game, this is what the Training mode is for! The first three characters in Match Game mode are only hard if you are seven years old, while later ones will make you completely forget how "hard" that Paper Mario boss was. The game can fit your "hardcore action" and "relaxation" desires, both at the same time! I would really love a Mario Golf game that reuses the gameplay, characters, and graphics from Mario Golf 64, and includes the content from the later games in the series! I recommend Mario Golf 64 for any gamer, including you. Hopefully, people will talk about the Mario Golf instead of The Legend of Zelda series or the Super Smash Brothers series; I feel lonely.